You know how when you're stuck in a dream, doesn't even have to be a particularly bad one, and things are so foggy that you're really not 100% sure what is going on? Some things are so random, and you find yourself asking why your daughter has decided today is the day to dance in the crawl space of your house, because two plus triangle equals green, and by the way, you only have sons. Make sense?
And there you have editing.
I love, loved, LOVED writing the first draft. Every moment felt like magic as the story unfolded in a private back room of my own mind. Most everything I thought of seemed to just BELONG to this story. I was king of the world last March when I wrote the last word. I had a master piece.
But let's get real. I was flinging a smattering of words on the page that held no art, no fire. When I started editing, I realized that nothing I saw in my minds eye made it to the page, so I have basically had to write it - again. I hear this is called editing. Pretty sure this is torture.
I'm so grateful to my betareaders...because if it wasn't for their encouraging words, I'm not sure how I would have made it through this without becoming so dejected I finally gave up. I am, as of today, half way through a thorough edit. My own self imposed dead line looms in 9 short days, where I will have contracted with a professional editor to tear it apart again.
It's been a painful fight. I've never rejected so much of myself so categorically, without remorse, only to reinvent new parts of me, again and again.
Still...I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. Could there finally be a light at the end of the tunnel?
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Loss of a once friend
There's many things that made this book come together. I had a roller coaster of a last five years between family upheavals and trying to finish a degree. I reinvented myself a couple times, and shifted myself between people, trying to figure out a better life for myself and my family. One of the great challenges of motherhood is trying to maintain a sense of self, while still giving yourself wholly and completely to the loved task of raising yourself some mini-me's. I think because you want the best for your kids, you forget to make sure that you remember to keep in touch with yourself. After so long, if you and the self haven't talked much, then you find you're not even on speaking terms, and are just going to have to spend some time reconnecting. You can't be the direction for the little people, if you, yourself, have no idea where you're going.
One of the people that helped nudge me in the direction that ended up producing this book, let's call her Rinie, just passed away last week. She was young, a child like me, having just had a birthday last week. She and I had a bad blowout before she moved away, and we never did make it right. But what I can say about her was that even though she had many serious health problems, that girl lived life with a vengeance. She seemed to live to spit in the face of her health problems, with grace and dignity, and above all else, no need for a plan. Flying by the seat of her pants was just fine, thank you very much.
I've always needed a plan. If I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm going to solve whatever problem, I kind of feel like I'm in a panic. Call it a fear of failure, or call it terminal control freakitis. Whatever it is, my ability to just trust that the universe is going to take care of me so let's just enjoy the moment, has always been lacking. And, Rinie had her moments of passing control freakitis too, but she handled it so much better than me. She was able to see when it was time to move on, and not spend too much time dwelling on what could have been. It never blinded her to what could hopefully be.
She loved her fantasy stories, and her world of pretend was rich in her own mind. She gave me a book she had once written, and in my temper tantrum at her, I tossed it away. It might be in a closet. I hope it's in that closet. I was stupid for never having read it, and I really should have. But her world of pretend was further enriched by authors that she shared with me, and they, in turn, changed me too.
Those authors and our own theoretical talks about another plane helped create this book. I might have still written it without the world as shaped by Rinie in my life, and it might have been a different story still great in its own right. However, it would not have been what I love it as now if not for her.
Thank you, Rinie, for being in my life for the short time you were in it. I am better for having known you, and I hope your next adventure has just as many opportunities to fly by the seat of your already worn out pants. I miss you, even though we've not talked in three years. Give Joni a hug for me too, and maybe we should have this little talk one day.
One of the people that helped nudge me in the direction that ended up producing this book, let's call her Rinie, just passed away last week. She was young, a child like me, having just had a birthday last week. She and I had a bad blowout before she moved away, and we never did make it right. But what I can say about her was that even though she had many serious health problems, that girl lived life with a vengeance. She seemed to live to spit in the face of her health problems, with grace and dignity, and above all else, no need for a plan. Flying by the seat of her pants was just fine, thank you very much.
I've always needed a plan. If I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm going to solve whatever problem, I kind of feel like I'm in a panic. Call it a fear of failure, or call it terminal control freakitis. Whatever it is, my ability to just trust that the universe is going to take care of me so let's just enjoy the moment, has always been lacking. And, Rinie had her moments of passing control freakitis too, but she handled it so much better than me. She was able to see when it was time to move on, and not spend too much time dwelling on what could have been. It never blinded her to what could hopefully be.
She loved her fantasy stories, and her world of pretend was rich in her own mind. She gave me a book she had once written, and in my temper tantrum at her, I tossed it away. It might be in a closet. I hope it's in that closet. I was stupid for never having read it, and I really should have. But her world of pretend was further enriched by authors that she shared with me, and they, in turn, changed me too.
Those authors and our own theoretical talks about another plane helped create this book. I might have still written it without the world as shaped by Rinie in my life, and it might have been a different story still great in its own right. However, it would not have been what I love it as now if not for her.
Thank you, Rinie, for being in my life for the short time you were in it. I am better for having known you, and I hope your next adventure has just as many opportunities to fly by the seat of your already worn out pants. I miss you, even though we've not talked in three years. Give Joni a hug for me too, and maybe we should have this little talk one day.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Rough draft finished!
I really meant to keep a journal as I wrote my book. Honestly, I really did. It's not been my very first book, but it my very first book that I felt really went somewhere, and maybe I should try to brave publishing. But, short of the notes I took with my trusty iPhone (I'm one of those crazy people on the train that talks to Siri almost in whole conversations...!) I really didn't write anything down to remember the experience by.
But better late then never, right?
I finished the book a week and a half ago. Well, ok, so that's a giant lie. I finished the ROUGH DRAFT a week and a half ago. I started editing right away, and I'll tell you that that is a beast far harder and bigger than the original writing ever could be.
But I love it!
Why?
I've come to love my characters, and as I try to understand where they came from, and why they do what they do, they have taken on so many dimensions. It breaks my heart that I can't somehow fit every part of these pretend people into my book. It makes me think of all the great books I've ever read, and the characters I've come to know. Did those authors do the same things as me? What don't I know about them? Even the minor one's have grown great, big, and interesting back stories.
Anyway, so follow along. I expect at this point we're talking friends and family only. One day, though, hopefully people will read my book and feel like finding out more. That's what this is for!
But better late then never, right?
I finished the book a week and a half ago. Well, ok, so that's a giant lie. I finished the ROUGH DRAFT a week and a half ago. I started editing right away, and I'll tell you that that is a beast far harder and bigger than the original writing ever could be.
But I love it!
Why?
I've come to love my characters, and as I try to understand where they came from, and why they do what they do, they have taken on so many dimensions. It breaks my heart that I can't somehow fit every part of these pretend people into my book. It makes me think of all the great books I've ever read, and the characters I've come to know. Did those authors do the same things as me? What don't I know about them? Even the minor one's have grown great, big, and interesting back stories.
Anyway, so follow along. I expect at this point we're talking friends and family only. One day, though, hopefully people will read my book and feel like finding out more. That's what this is for!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
But they are my winter shorts...!
You see that white stuff? He swears that if it is on the ground, that means it's cold. And sometimes that's true - just not this day.
This day was so perfect. The temperatures were unusually warm on this hike. See my kids' naked arms? They had coats, but they all threw them on the ground pretty quick as we sweated up the mountain. It was just (as only someone born and bred in the snow can say) a warm day!
Our pack of dogs was reduced to just the rescue this time - Gunner has found a home and will be leaving us soon. He is such a sweet, sweet dog, and we're going to so miss him. We wanted some alone time with him before he got his new start. What better way to say good by then a trip to sniff deer and squirrel trails in the mountains?
I love the mountains no matter what the season, but this time of year is especially nice. With the bitterness gone, we can stay out longer - that crisp air cleaning the city-yuck out of our lungs. The strangers you bump into are different here than in the city, as though we're all so much closer to nature that the ugly people created by our hectic, busy lives disappear. We are all kinder, a little happier.
Believe it or not, spring is just around the corner, and these 'warm" snow hikes will soon be over. Then we'll be back to dripping sweat and being too hot. Ah, summer... how you torment me!
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