So, why does this not make me pile up the pillows, burrowing down under a pile of blankets while I have all the episodes I've missed of Grim lulling me to sleep?
Because now I have time to think about things unrelated to HR or being a mom. Even Grim can't occupy my mind enough to stop the what ifs from drifting into my mind in the wee hours when my husband is snoring softly beside me.
I'm 80% done with book 2 of the Timeless Games series, and I have even started outlining the first of a completely different series. I've finished a couple of novellas, and they are out to my betareaders. I've already contacted my editor - it's coming - get ready! But, I'm back to worrying - what if this book sucks? What if no one else loves it like I do? What if I step back one day and say, huh - indie writing was expensive and other than crappier clothes and some serious stress weight loss, I really am just not going to be able to hack it as a writer.
So where is the doubt coming from?
I'll tell you.
A couple of times over the last couple of weeks, I've had classmates say something along the lines of the following to me. Now, keep in mind... there's 33 of us, but only 5 are female. The rest are male - a more gossipy group of males than most junior high girls, but they are still male. So they say.
Them: So what is your book about?
Me: Oh, it's a YA novel. You wouldn't like it. Unless you're a high school girl (My subconscious is nodding here - yes, yes they are...)
Them: Oh, like Twilighty vampires or something?
Me: Oh, no! It's nothing like that.
Hard to display tone, but I've done a couple of things here. First, I communicated that I would never lower myself down to write something like Twilight. Never. I am so much better then that, which is completely absurd, because I love Twilight, and devoured the series in a week a couple years ago, and then bought it in Arabic to read as well. I would love to have thought of the idea, and had the chance to write their story. Bella might have been a bit less of a pushover if it was me writing, but the whole love story thing? Of course I'd write that because I already did! Almost every movie I've seen/book I've read had some big love story as part of the core, so it's absurd to not assume that's going to be a major component what whatever I write.
Second, I made it sound like YA is obviously beneath my cohort because we are all snooty grad students, and would never read anything written for that age group. PFFFFTTTTTT....! Really? With the exception of the Cousins' war series and WWZ, I've read nothing but YA for the last couple years. It kept me sane when I was alone in Jordan and really needed someone else's problems to combat that loneliness.
So, if I can't even admit what I'm writing, then the quiet hours that are keeping me from the sleep already 16 weeks late in coming are sending a giant, pressing message.
I need to take a good hard look at myself.
YES, I write about high school aged characters, and so what? There's a solid camp of people who say the high school years are some of the best in their life. I also have some more adult aspects of my book that appeal to ... well people my own age. A single mother, raising her kid alone. Overbearing men and trying to live your life in spite of them - is that too teenie bopper? I don't think so. Further, the books getting like over 4* from reviewers, and emails from folks saying when's the next one coming. Surely, I can't be a completely talent-free hack.
I think the problem with genre writing, especially with this genre, is that we get too stuck in the idea that it has to be a certain thing that only appeals to a certain kind of person. We forget that, much like our own lives, things have complicated layers that appeal to far more people then we might first think - ask any mother who likes Spongebob more than their kids (Guilty!). People are reading my book, and they like it - so I must be doing something right.
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